Mrs. Amy's Music Lessons

Amy’s 10 Worst Ways to Destroy a Musical Instrument

As you can see, I’ve been dealing with high anxiety surrounding musical instrument care. It really started a few months ago, when I opened my violin case to find that one of my bows had broken in half………..by itself……..without any warning signs. I still don’t know what to make of that. So, here it is……at least in my book……these are the ten worst ways to destroy a musical instrument.

1. Sit on it……For many instruments, that’s all it takes.

2. Drop it in the pool…….That’s right, practicing while lying on a floatee raft doesn’t get you anywhere.

3. Drop it down the stairs………Go for it. See what happens.

4. Stick candy in the holes…….I know that it’s great to have storage space for a late night snack but if you do utilize this resource…..you’ll need to start singing “Goodbye, Norma Gene.”

5. Paint it…….It’s especially effective when you also use a nice hardwood floor lacquer as a top coat.

6. Drill in attachments……..You could attach a Starbucks cup holder with built in straw. There would be no such thing getting tired during practice.

7. Tie it to your dog…….This is a great idea…..Ceaser Millan always says that your dog needs to feel useful—there’s nothing like having a dog caddy.

8. Turn it into a picture montage……Yeah, glue some pictures of your family and friends on the surface……What do they call that technique?–Decoupage. Musicians never have the privilege of working out of a personalized cubical–so you just gotta make the best of your resources.

9. Store it on the top of your station wagon while driving through Kansas….. ..You like tornado’s right?

10. Use it for target practice…….Sometimes, you need to get that tin can raised to a better height for you……back strain is a common hazard of taking part in target practice.

So with that…….I say happy Friday everyone! Hope you have a great weekend!

The Britney Spears Strings Quartet?????

As if we thought it couldn’t be done…….   Here is a very original take on Britney Spears, “Toxic.”  Notice the Mel Brooks, “Young Frankenstein” violin solo in the intro……..what do you think that the musicians are saying by including it?

Amy’s Review of the Transfer Bomb Song

You know something……..music doesn’t have to be sophisticated to be music. It’s ironic how the dumbest songs you’ve ever heard stay with you the longest. Several years ago, I  worked in a call center fixing problems on home owners insurance policies.  We worked in teams of twelve employees generally—and one side of our individual desks/cubical was connected to another teammates desk/cubical.  My desk was conjoined with an individual who hated his job. Hated it so much that he decided that he was going to make it his goal to get fired.

So…..when he took a phone call……he would sing to the clients on the phone.  There was no, “Hello, how may I help you.”  Instead,  he sang a crazy jingle…..and it went like this……”transfer bomb, jumping on your head, dancing on your face, man your out of place.” Then he would say…..”Please hold.”   Then……he would hit random numbers on the phone and would transfer the caller out. And then finally one day, he accidentally blind transferred a caller to the CEO.  That was the end of the Transfer Bomb Song, but it was legendary in the department—and being that I was the desk-mate of this person…….employees would walk past my desk at random just to say two words………”transfer bomb.”

To this day if you were to ask me whats the stupidest song I know—-I would have to say, “Transfer Bomb Song.”   I think we each know someone that we would love to use that Transfer Bomb Song on—-but we don’t, either out of good conscience or out of fear.  But deep down inside—my thoughts on the  Transfer Bomb Song—–”Priceless.”

Temper, Temper……John Madden vs. Music Practice

Last night, I had a flash back to the worst orchestra practice I had ever participated in.  It was a youth orchestra practice—surprised?   The staff had just hired a conductor fresh out of Germany—he had a great resume……….. but had never worked with kids before. For this post, I’ll call him “Joey” to not be mean. Joey probably had just arrived in the US, 48 hours prior to this practice. He was excited……..and  strolled into our giant practice/sound room wearing  a Cowboy hat and Cowboy shoes…….we all just stared. He obviously was looking forward to having an “American” experience.

Joey announced, “Today, we are going to start by playing the William Tell Overture.”  Amongst the rustling of the music on the stands, you could hear a silent grumble……….”that again:(“   We played the beginning ten measures…..and again…..and again……and then just the cellos……and then again…….and then finally—–Joey lost it. He was angry that the students weren’t “getting” it. He worked himself up into a temper tantrum………and in the process he hit his baton on his stand so hard—-that it bounced and flew 30 feet into the air. The room was silent…..everyone was looking to see where that baton was going to land. It felt as if that baton had been airborne forever……the moment seemed to operate in slow motion…….that moment could have easily been narrated by John Madden, “there it goes ladies and gentlemen…flying down the field……closing in on the fifty yard line…….touch down!”  At that moment, the baton managed to bounce off one of the drums in the back of the room and it finally landed. At that point, Joey seemed to feel justified…….he looked as if his airplane baton was a fair enough representation of his emotions……and he left it at that.

Growing up, I seemed to have had many opportunities to be under the music authority of temper ridden “Joey’s.”  And on reflection, I don’t believe that much of the anger was a result of a teacher “trying to push the student to be better.”    I believe that for the most part,

1. the teacher didn’t have patience to work with kids—but was looking for a paycheck

2. the teacher wanted great performances—because it was a personal reflection of their own teaching ability

3. the teacher had lost perspective in life—because their music was their only focus

You know what was sad about the “airplane baton” practice—-many students got up and left. They left the practice with the intent of never playing again—because despite of the new Joey being out of control—-we had many Joey’s that had already been out of control.     The students were tired of being yelled at and tired of feeling humiliated.  One thing that I’ve never been able to understand is this……music is about joy……..music brings happiness—-so why do we musicians and music teachers turn our musical experiences and expressions into a serious, boring, angry, out-of -touch—points of focus?   Musicians seem to lean towards this direction more than not.

I think that as a teacher, it’s really important to understand that many students will not move forward if they don’t feel constant encouragement. I think that we forget how much our music  is an extension of ourselves — and how vulnerable we make ourselves in our music.  Also, many of the students will never move forward—they may just not be naturally inclined—however, it’s not about their success as a music student—it’s about their take always—-you can build them up—or you can be that black mark in their childhood.

But if anything,  remember this one thing………music is music.  It’s wonderful, it’s glorious and passionate………but if you are a involved musician–or teacher……when you feel that you are going to loose your temper—in any activity………ask yourself,  “In the scope of how short life is……why am I letting my emotions go here? Are my emotions truly making a point—or am I just leaving a legacy of being another Joey?”

Amy’s Darwin Awards for Musical Instrument Destruction

Ever since my parents bought my violin (it’s age is cir. 1840), I have been nervous. Nervous that I might do something to end the life of this prized possession. Periodically, I will look through a Shar catalog, looking for music supplies and find new and improved mounts purposed so that you can hang your violin off your stand…..just the idea of this makes me have to reach for a paper bag…….excuse me……..breathe, Amy breathe………Ok. I’m back………  So this gets me thinking…..in the future, if I do end up destroying my violin….I need to go ahead and prepare to accept the mental anguish of it now……and I will need to know that many others may have ruined their instruments in stupider ways than I did……so, lets call this premature “death therapy”,  Bob Wiley.   That being said, I have created a Darwin Award list for the death of musical instruments. Here’s a couple stories to start out with—now these two stories are about instruments that were not completely dead….but mostly dead……just give me some time…….. I’m just warming up:

1.  David Garrett (the David Beckham/Mr. Bean of concert violin): Mr. Garrett plays a 290 year old Stradivarius violin. Last February, he was coming down a flight of stairs—and wiped out. Royally. Somehow, when he landed, he slid into home, by landing right on top of his violin case. When he opened the case, he found his violin in pieces. The repairs are costing at least 60,000 pounds, and
eight months of restoration. They say the Strad will never sound the same again. Don’t feel too badly for him  though…this kid has had a management team since he was eight. (I really need a snarky, snark, snark comment to go right here…….the words are beyond me at the moment.)
2.   Name: Anonymous (Los Angeles Philharmonic): I didn’t quite want to be too mean……so I listed this one as anonymous…but it’s a good one. I’ll call him, “Joey.”  Joey, had just played a long evening concert….and came home exhausted. He owned a 1684
Stradivarius cello. Not thinking when he opened the front door, he set his cello down and left it outside over night. A teenager (or younger person) spotted the cello, took it, and tried to take off with it on a bicycle.  He was so eager to get away…..and so unsteady trying to carry it away that he crashed the cello into some nearby trash bins. Somehow, a nurse found the damaged cello, three days later and thought that it would be a really cool gift for her boyfriend…since he was a carpenter. She thought that he could turn the cello into a C.D. rack. Luckily, it became obvious to whomever that the cello was valuable and it was returned. Lucky Joey.

There is more to come.  Just like any Darwin award list, you can’t have just one. If you have heard of any great stories, send them on!

Amy’s—How To Know If You Are A Music Snob–Exam

The doctor is in the houuuuusssse…………. So are you? Are you a music snob? —-Huh.  What’s that?  Well—let me tell you. Today may be your day of discovery. I have a small test I want you to take below……it’s based on a point system. So add up the points…and find your “Snob” number.

So Here it Goes…….

1. You can’t appreciate the effort and hours of practice put into this concert—and will maintain a high level of irritation for the rest of your week because you watched this ………if I described you…you get to add….. +10

2. You would never even think of shouting a quiet, “woop, woop” instead of a “Bravo. Encore” after a concert—even if it’s a pop concert……..+5

3. Accapella concert choir irritates you……….+3

4. You are insulted by this T-shirt and wouldn’t dream of wearing it….but would give it as an unexpected gift to a friend who you thought was one…….+4

5.   You believe that the Mario Brothers Theme song shouldn’t be symphonic concert music……+15

6.   Your friends would consider you the “Frazier Crane” of Music Theory. You are very willing to give 8 hour lectures explaining the  history of the dotted half rest……….even if it’s for a party of…….shall we say “1″ ……+20

7.   You believe that the world will finally understand your “genius” once you get that interview on NPR…… +10

8.    You are writing a book titled,  “The Death of Einstein and the Theory of Musical Relativity”……. +50

9.    Your concert attire is always purchased at Saks Fifth Avenue……….+20

Check your results:   Drum Roll please……..

1-10 —–You are not a music snob. You have a sweet tolerance for all things music—not a snob.

11-20——You are in between…….more like taking a luke warm shower on a hot summer day.

21–Infinity—You are the “Frazier Crane”  of music, the Ultimate music snob……Your reward is a pat on the back …  and a Twinkie.

The Hard Facts Behind a Gold, Platinum or Diamond Record.

Have you ever wondered why artists get those Platinum record awards? I just thought about this today–not that I’m in hot pursuit of one—but my inquiring mind wants to know. So, for those of you that are in pursuit—here’s what I’ve found out…..

For a Complete Album:

1. To have a Gold Record, the album needs to sell 500,000 copies in the US and 100,000 in Britain.

2. To have a Platinum record, you must have sales of 1,000,000 units.

3. To have a Diamond Record, you must have sales of 10,000,000 units.

For a Single:

1. To have a Gold single, you must have 500,000 copies shipped.

2. To have a Platinum single, you must have 1,000,000 copies shipped.

3. To have a Double Platinum single, you must have 2,000,000 copies shipped.

(Newer) Digital Sales:

1. Gold equals 500,000 tracks that have been downloaded.

2. Platinum equals 1,000,000 tracks that have been downloaded.

3. Double platinum equals 2,000,000 tracks that have been downloaded.

Now, there’s more to it than just that. Your record company first has ask the RIAA to apply for certification, and then pay a fee, asking them to conduct an audit of your sales. The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America.), then checks into your total net sales—I say “net” meaning they take into account retail returns. They will check your net sales against your “royalty” paychecks.

Then when all is said and done—you will walk out with a plaque. Now, what group has had the highest certified sales? The Eagles……..29 million.

If you would like to learn more……go here:  http://www.riaa.com/index.php

Music Audition For the White House?

As you can imagine, the White House has their own crew of musicians. They are called, “The Presidents Own.” To audition with the group, you join the Marines— the division is the Military Occupational Specialty (MOS) 5511 (Member, U.S. Marine Band).

If you are interested in auditioning, go this the following link and learn about the requirements of auditioning.

http://www.marineband.usmc.mil/who_we_are/faq/index.htm

Recession Proof Musicians

I’ve been doing some research. I wanted to find out if /how musicians were holding up under the recession. Being that many music companies are cutting salaries and positions, I found that those with the free-lance mentality may be a little better off. Here’s why:

1. They Diversify Income Streams—Freelancers are constantly thinking about how to get their bills paid each month. So, they are willing to take advantage of the opportunities that come their way…..i.e. private teaching, selling recordings, playing concerts, publishing….you name it. If your brain is always in the mind-set of survival…..chances are you’ll survive. Also, when they have extra money—they save and invest it. Smart freelancers learn how to get paid from their dividends.

2. They Make Networking Essential—They make sure to keep up with their colleges. They are active in community events….and are willing volunteers…..this shows concern for others and it also makes their colleges want to work with them.

3. They Work to Become Better Musicians—Not only are they practicing to get better—they are also keeping up with the music industry simply to stay informed. Just like everything else in the world, the music industry is changing–and a good freelancer will always be in the know.

4. They Stay True To Commitment–Good freelancers are steady freelancers. If they decide that they are going to be a music teacher, recording artist, or anything—they commit to it 100%. Their job is important to them….and in complete focus most of the time. So even if the world is in a recession, they don’t give up—they persevere anyway.

Even though we are all having to tough it out with the recession, I believe that as musicians—if we can persevere now—we will reap the rewards of that perseverance. We will eventually make it over the hill….and once we do…..if we persevere—our diligence will not come unrewarded.

Give Me A Ticket For An Aeroplane….Cheap Tickets with JetBlue

Let’s face it…..musicians are mobile creatures……are we not? I was on the JetBlue website yesterday and saw that they had some cheeeeeep rates. Like  $29.00. I was really surprised to see the low rates and thought that it was worth sharing–I don’t know about you but I am all about cheap airfare.

Here is a link to their rates page:

http://www.jetblue.com/UBF/flights/flights.aspx